Back in the Saddle Again

This blog has laid dusty too long . I realize more now than ever , that when I write it helps my mind unclutter so much . So I really need to get back at it and just commit to doing it . When I look at the past , when I was writing consistently , it helped me process stuff I wanted to say and clear out of my head .

Granted , I realize that virtually nothing I write or say will affect much in the grand scheme of things but I know now , it helps me maintain some form of sanity , if that is possible in this upside down , broken , strange and evil world . Yes, it has much good, but it is messed up big time .

So let's hope I stick to my guns and if you do read or stumble upon these musings of a madman, then I hope something I say be it serious or non-serious, will help you and maybe who knows, you will find it interesting.

Storm Day

Well we are being hit by a big snow storm so no work day . Which I'm fine with . To be honest I see why people who can retire in thier 50s do so  . My body , my mind just doesn't have the energy it once did . That is fine but makes me realize I need to find something my body can do till I can retire from day to day work . Usually on these days I just chill , read some , listen to music and maybe a movie . Might as well enjoy the day . Now back to music time 👍

Scars , Hurts and Healing

Once again its been a eternity since my last post . Often I wonder why people blog everyday . Is it just vanity , hoping people read about your life and inflate ones sense of self . I don't know and I guess that is a judgement only the individual can make .

I thought I wanted to write each day or almost  each day , but again walked away . However this time I want it to be different , so I will begin to discipline myself and hopefully blog once again on a regular basis . Mainly for my own sanity lol .

It is funny how watching a movie can trigger many feelings and thoughts . I watched A Monster Calls today and highly recommended it . I will not review here but the theme of loss and how one deals with those emotions really triggered in me so many thoughts .

The scars and hurt of losing someone never really leave you . Really they just hide beneath a surface so shallow that it takes but a pin prick to bring those emotions to the surface . As of late I have been thinking about my cousin and one like a brother to me that I mentioned on this blog almost 2 years ago now . As it is almost the 2 year mark of his taking his own life , perhaps that is why he has been on my mind .

Its always difficult to move on past any loss but suicide seems more haunting and difficult to handle . One goes through many emotions of anger , guilt that mix together . Anger that one took ones own life and guilt in wondering is or was there something I could have done . But this is a broken , fallen world marred and scarred by sin . Sometimes there are no easy resolutions , no stupid hallmark card pithy sentiments that are true . It still sucks what happened and no matter what , time will not heal or remove the hurt , pain and loss .

Healing will only fully come when Jesus comes again in all his glory to once and for all end sin , death and a new creation comes . It is then that God will wipe away tears , heal all hurts and no more will sorrow or pain of the soul mark ones days . That is the hope and only hope of breaking the cycle of sorrow . Until then , I think God allows us to feel that hurt , that sorrow because He wants us to know things are not right . Yes he does not leave us to grieve as one without hope but that does not mean that despair or a long night of the soul cannot come upon even those who believe . But when we are there and tears come or our heart aches , may we hear he voice of Jesus and go to him for rest for our weary souls .

Lets not sugar coat this world , it is yes full of much delight and many amazing gifts but it is also not what it once was , or what it should be . So may we press on , trusting God in Christ that this world is not our home but a much better a more wonderful home awaits . By that I mean we who have trusted Christ for forgiveness of our sins and live in repentance , will enjoy God forever and then our scars and hurts will be healed perfectly and completely , forever .

Too Long and So Much To Say

When I step away , boy do I step away . Lately there has been so much swirling in my head , I think it's time to begin to unleash my mind a bit . Life has been a journey with many shades of light and darkness. Some of a personal nature , others just watching the chaos of what looks like a world coming unhinged. So with that in mind it's time for this broken sinner , desperately clinging to Gods promises to open the flood gates  for my own personal sanity . So off I will go to places I will not be scared to go because I do not go alone .

Weary but Not Defeated

When I first began writing a blog I truly planned on writing with a regular frequency . But in reality I have lost much interest in. writing and sharing much of anything . I'm I depressed , maybe . I do know that this year has been a tiring , weary and hard road so far . So many stories of pain and hurt it seems I have seen , heard or experienced first hand have really taken a toll to be honest .

Even within my soul the struggle between the man and the new man in Christ has been a war and I confess that within that war , I have lost far too many battles . But I press on . I press on because of my wife . I press on because of my sons . I press on because of my family and friends . Ultimately I press on because of the one who lives in me .

Over the last few months , I have asked many questions within my own head . Some I do not think have any answers but one I thing know . Jesus loves me , Jesus is for me , Jesus died for me , Jesus rose for me and Jesus calls me His own , to the glory of God the Father . That I'm sealed in the Holy Spirit . That the one I follow and love understands my hurt , my sorrow and my pain .

Perhaps I need to write more and bring my thoughts to the fore and express myself again . I enjoy writing and giving my thoughts and views on many things . Maybe I'm in a funk because I have stopped and I need to find that mojo again . So with no vow or promise to write , I will reboot this blog again and with hope in the one who sustains me , though weary , fight I will and enter into the fray that we call life .

Only Fitting

Well the hockey play-offs are about to begin and for the first time in 7 years my Boston Bruins will not be playing for a chance for the cup . Its always disappointing not to cheer on your team during a round of play-offs . Yes its bitter sweet in the sense its great when they win a round and crushing when they don't . However when they don't even get to the dance , you realize how much fun and excitement it truly is to cheer them on .

It in a weird way seems only fitting that they failed to make it considering how this year has been so far . Between a long winter , lack of work , family issues and the loss of one of my dearest friends ( shared in the last post ) I'm just not surprised . Life has a way of letting you down . No manner of positive spin foolishness can make things better . At the same time I'm thankful for much as well .

As to the Bruins . Some changes needed to happen next year . A change in style I believe is at hand . They need more speed up front and better depth on the defence . They still have a solid core of players and a few emerging young players . Along with a legit no.1 net minder and the play-offs will be back on the radar I predict next year . Till then its going to be a long off season . Go Bruins for 2015-16 . Guess its time to catch up with some reading .

Its Always Hard to Say Goodbye

How do you say good bye to someone who has been like a brother , a best friend . One who you played with , joked with , laughed with , cried with and enjoyed being with . I'm not sure  how one can truly ever or should say good bye . I have been trying to come to grips with the loss of my double first cousin , Gregory (Greg) Ivan Schofield . To realize that he will never walk in my house again and share a laugh . Nor will I hear his voice , as we talk of music , our love for the Boston Bruins , life in general  . To sit and chill over a cold beer .

Greg with Sal

We grew up so close . Sharing life from the time I was around 4 . Which makes it 47 years Greg has been within my circle of life . From learning to ride bikes , play sports , going to movies , reading books . We were like 2 peas in a pod for our first 20 plus years and even after girlfriends or wives came along , we still stayed in touch . Our shared life made it so easy to re-connect that even when he moved out west back late 2006 , when he came back home for a way too short a visit , it was like he never left . Plus thanks to social media , we would share life on Facebook . Commenting or talking through the message boards.

So let me tell you a bit about Greg . He  was a decent , funny , smart , caring ,forgiving , loyal , kind man . I could add many more words but just know that he was so much more .  He also had a very trying and at times a hard life . Failed relationships took there toll and left him deeply wounded and broken . He was not treated right on many fronts but he never spoke ill of any of those who dealt him some very dreadful blows . The fractured relationships left him with 4 sons who he truly loved but because of reasons I will not go into , he was marginalized to a large degree in their lives . He still was able to love them in his own way and had many good times with them growing up

This was a man that also left school to care for his younger siblings when his Dad and mother split , sadly because of his Mom's mental illness . It wasn't easy for him on so many fronts during this time . But he gave of himself . So when most young men were thinking more about girls and studies , he became a caregiver to 3 younger siblings. He was a cook , cleaner , moral guide etc.. That is not to say it was all bad . I spent many afternoons and weekends with Greg . Helping him at times do different things around the house but we also biked , played tons of hockey and went to movies . So there were many laughs as well .

 He loved Dogs , as he looks so happy with Sal in the picture above . He was just gentle with them and he could lead them . He bled for the Boston Bruins . No huger fan that I know . He loved music from the classic rock era from Led Zep , Aerosmith , Nazareth to newer bands like Alter Bridge . He liked to rock . He enjoyed movies like Braveheart , Lord of the Rings , The Hobbit etc.. He was much smarter than he ever gave himself credit for .
Sadly since at least 1995 , he has battled depression and at times sank so low that he did try to take his life . Each time , by God's grace and intervention , he was spared . But sadly this time , the despair and brokenness of his soul and mental state took over and overwhelmed him and on March 7th 2015 he ended his life .

My heart breaks because he must have felt a complete sense of hopelessness and being alone . His life over the last year has been a spiral that ran out of control very quickly . He lost his fight to the voices in his head that told him there was no life let to live . That he would be a burden to others , that life was over and the struggle to just get up and face another day was too much . I share these thoughts because I know that is at times how he felt . He said he hated getting there .

As a Christian , I'm really struggling to be honest . Was there something I could have done or said ? However I know as well depression can and does destroy lives and sometimes even the best laid plans to watch out for one with depression  ,  its still a choice made by the one who is at the end of road . That the pain or despair is too deep to face another day or breath .

He had a great sense of humour 

At his funeral I gave the eulogy and as I have had time to reflect on my words , and try to recall so many good , fun , great memories of this wonderful man , I'm left with that. How much I would want to tell him , I miss you . I miss you for who you are . You are a great guy , loved and looked up to by so many , that I want to laugh with you , cheer on our Bruins together again , share life experiences be it going to a movie or concert . I could care less of what you have or didn't have , I loved you for you . My home was always open to you . You never had to knock , you were not a burden even with all your hurts or life scars because I loved you and dammit , I wasn't ready to say good bye . Neither was my wife , whom you became great friends with and my sons whom you treated like nephews. They looked up to you and loved you like an uncle .

Loved your Bruins 

But here we are and I ask , why couldn't someone give you a break , a chance or why did you have to go where you did .  I have to be honest , if I had you here I would kick your ass for doing what you did  but I also forgive you . I had always hoped you would come home to the valley for good . Like you told me , you might have been out west but it was never your home nor did it feel like one . Your are home for good , but not the way it should have been .

So now I have to cling to memories . Camping out as kids in a tent talking until the sun came up , of riding our bikes to the record store buying a few records and hurrying home to air guitar our newest finds . Playing sports together , laughing over our stupid jokes , so much more . So I say goodbye Greg and for now that is all I can say . I will miss you and I loved you .

In Loving Memory - Gregory Ivan Schofield  Sept 24 , 1961 - March 7 , 2015 - Be at Peace I pray 

It Has Been a Trying Time

I will not go into all the details right now , but someone as close as a brother , and a life long friend lost the fight to severe depression and sadly took his own life. So many thoughts have been running around in my head .

I will write more soon and share about this amazing guy and what he meant to me plus many others.

A Fitting Song To End An Amazing Journey

You can have your Marvel cinematic universe . and that galaxy with the force ( more of a Trek guy anyway ) for me , the journey I have loved to take has been Middle-Earth . Don't get me wrong I like movies from that genre I mentioned but my excitement or looking forward to new movies pale to what I have looked forward to over the last 3 years with Peter Jackson's The Hobbit . Just like in the past with Lord of the Rings , for 3 years near Christmas , I looked forward to going back to the Shire , Erebor , Laketown and seeing those grand characters .

Bilbo Baggins , Gandalf the Grey , Thorin Oakenshield , Elrond , Galadriel , Legolas , Tauriel , Bard and the Dwarfs with the company Balin , Dwalin , Fili , Kili . Gloin ,Oin , Bofur ,Dori , Ori , Nori , Bombur and Bifur . They became friends and ones I enjoyed going to see in the halls of the modern theatre . But now it has come to an end . One that I truly enjoyed . But before I review and give my thoughts and insights on the Hobbit  , I will share this amazing song by one of the original Hobbits , Pippin played by the excellent Billy Boyd .

Back in the Blogging Groove

I marvel at people who Blog with regularity . Last year I just didn't feel like it , nor did I have the discipline . But as this year kicks off I'm attempting to challenge myself to do certain things with more consistency and Blogging is one of those things.  So with that in mind , I will launch again my views , opinions and reviews of things that connect and concern me.

Hopefully if anyone is still reading any of my post they will be amused or annoyed , but not bored out of their minds . Hopefully I will endeavour to write each day . So here goes 2015 with good intentions .

2013 A Brief Overview

Since I promised a overview of 2013 so I can kick off a proper start to blogging a new in 2014 , here it it is . A quick look back at 2013.

As I reported last year , my wife in February was given the 5 year clean form cancer . Needless to say we were both truly grateful and thankful . Its a strange thing really because after we were told no more trips to the city for checks , it took me a while to really feel that it was done . So that was a true highlight of the year .

Turning 50 . On November 15 last year , I entered into my 50th year on this planet . Half a century if you will . I can't say I was bothered by it , but it still felt different and a bit strange. It was a great birthday . My boys both got some really cool stuff for me  , had a small gathering just with my family and truly felt blessed and grateful .

On a sad note , I lost a a friend to cancer in August of the last year . He was only 59 . We had worked together years ago and had our ups and downs but we had remained friends and I always looked forward to chatting with him about  life , hockey and whatever else came up . I was asked to speak at his funeral , and I was truly honoured to speak . His wife and son both said I did him proud and I truly hope I did . It was a very hard thing to do . One thing I took away from this is the brevity of life and how I truly wished I had more time to connect with him more over the last few years . Yes it caused me to regret time wasted but it also taught me how precious friendship is and family.

Christmas was an excellent once again , with lots of food and family .

In general it was a year of highs , lows and struggles . So that is enough about last year . I look forward to writing with new vigour and hope it will be a regular thing . So 2014 here I come .

Slow Start or What

Ok , I had every intention of blazing into Blogging like a crazed fiend , but as they say best laid plans . However , my first real kick off will be a over view of 2013 . So be ready for the epic , OK more like the ordinary review of a year in the life of a guy living in the valley in the province of Nova Scotia , Canada .

Back in the Blogging Mood

Its been a long time between blogging. I just decided to take a break from writing . Not that I didn't have stuff to say or topics I wished to cover but one has to know when its time to be silent. Well now its time to put to blog again what is on my mind and heart . Much to reflect about and much to think about as I move forward as well .

As normal I will cover whatever I wish , some about the past , some about the present and musings about everything in between . The good , the bad and fun , I hope so anyway. So the few that may read my rants and ramblings , welcome back and enjoy .

Living in the Shadow of Cancer

Today was a day of liberation . A day when the shadow of cancer has been put  prayerfully and hopefully away forever.

Yesterday , my wife was given her 5 year clear . For all intent and purposes , she is considered cancer free. It was over 5 years ago when the cancer first presented itself . From the point of official diagnose , the family entered into the world of cancer. It has a way of creating a shadow , a cloud over the whole family . Especially in the first year with the surgery , the treatments and the recovery . It seems to consume the whole household . But after the first year , and the treatments seem to be going well , you still pray and wait and see what will happen with every check up , every trip or test you wait . Quietly you pray and hope .

As I watched my wife , get stronger and pass every check up , my confidence grew but always in the back of my mind the shadow lingers . Until the 5 year mark comes , you know that there is still a chance and possibility it can still present itself and come back. Over the the last 5 years , we have seen others be diagnosed .  Some are still fighting and a good friend and wonderful support for us lost his battle , when his cancer came back with a vengeance. So when that occurs , you take a breath , move forward and realize , it isby God's grace and mercy alone one lives.

So yesterday was a good day . No , it was a great day . But its also a reminder of the brevity of life . It is truly a shame it takes something like this to smack you in the head and make you take stock . Even then you still lose at times ,  the preciousness of life . But I will say in many ways this past 5 years has been a blessing. Let me list a few.

It has brought both my wife and myself back to the Lord . In fact it has been a wonderful thing to see my wife grow and become more solid in doctrine and boldness. She has more opportunities to share  her faith and witness than ever before. Even though we had both highs and lows over the last 5 years , I do believe that even in our weakness , our testimony to God's goodness has been a solid witness to our sons .

Plus I would like to openly thank all those who prayed , wished us well and supported Kathy and my family with so much generosity . Especially in the first year , when money was very scarce . People amazed us both with  giving and support. I will ever remain humbly grateful.

Last thought , as I know others who are still fighting this dreadful disease , my prayers are with you and your family . To those who have lost someone way too soon because of this blight , I say I weep with you knowing the pain ( having lost my Mom over 20 years ago ) . But ultimately my prayer is for all to know the one who will undue the results of sin when He comes in His glory .

Can One Fathom To Hear God Sing

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.  Zephaniah 3:17

My heart was restless today . As I looked at my life, my sin and where I'm at I was troubled . It made me feel defeated . Then later on during my reading of numerous blogs I came across this passage of scripture used in the piece that was written over a very sad event in a father's life . The loss of a child . So as it moved me away from thinking about me , which we can do way too much at times , I said a silent simple prayer for this man I do not know personally . Then as I read this passage , I realized that I must trust that it is God who will quiet my soul with His amazing love . A love that showed itself on the cross . A love that showed itself on that third day . A love that one day will come for me .

But what really blew my mind away is that the God of the whole universe , the one who created the planets , the stars and every living thing exults over me with singing. Singing , God singing over my soul . Should that not calm ones heart . Should that not give one a peace that the world cannot comprehend. The peace that this father and family needs as well can only come from God . God is singing with this man's daughter and singing over this father's soul as well . He is over all who trust in Christ for salvation . He is not a impersonal force or a far away God but in Christ , through the Holy Spirit is near , He lives within you by His Spirit  and is singing over you right now .  Oh what a God , oh what a Savior .

Odds and Ends

Odds and Ends will be just a over all free for all . It will cover numerous thoughts or observations in quick sound bites . So without further ado , shall we begin.

Summer Movies :  This summer was a banner year if you like superhero movies . You had Avengers , a new Spider-man reboot and the final film in the Batman trilogy . All three were excellent . The Avengers managed to entertain and over all achieve what I wondered could be done , featuring numerous hero's and still giving them all room to breath . It was a perfect popcorn flick . The new Spider-man hit all the right bells and whistles . With the new actor Andrew Garfield playing Peter Parker , he hit all the quirky nerdiness needed . Plus Emma Stone was perfect as Gwen Stacy. The action was awesome and it had a heart . But the best was the Dark Knight Rises . The movie had all one could ask for . Great action , superb acting , emotional depth and a fitting resolution to Bruce Wayne/ Batman story arc. It was the best . 

You Got to be Kidding Me : In a more serious vein , recently in Canada's parliament a motion to re-examine when human life begins was handedly defeated . So in Canada a 400 year old law that says that human life does not exist till a baby exits a woman's womb still stands .  So technically under the law as it stands , there is no real protection of a unborn baby till he or she exits a mothers womb . Many saw this as an attempt to open up the abortion debate . Well sure it was . But why are the opponents so afraid of having a real open and honest debate . Because as science has opened up the window of the womb , it has given those who are for life , a hammer to smash the lies of the killing fields at the abortion clinics. We know thanks to DNA research, that life begins at conception. Plus we all know that when a woman becomes pregnant it is a human being she is carrying . We all say she is having a baby . No one says , well I hope its human and not a chicken.  We truly live in a country that has much blood on its hands and every MP that voted against this motion should be ashamed .  

Great Listen :  Best album of the year so far is Andrew Peterson , Light For The  Lost Boy . It is a beautiful collection of songs reflecting on living in this fallen ,broken world as pilgrim and follower of Christ . Get it as soon as possible . 

A Proper Way to Launch a New Start

This is the time to return to the world of blog. I had intended to reboot months ago , but found myself almost in a fixed pause mode . So I figured to kick off my return , I would feature the new trailer for the upcoming film The Hobbit. I love Tolkien , so needless to say this movie is highly anticipated. The trailer looks awesome . Plus the good news , it will come out before the Mayan doomsday calender prediction . That is a win . 

Time for Silence to End

It has been a while , has it not . My quiet time if you will came from real consideration whether to continue this blog or not . After much thought and deliberation , I have decided to start again . Over the next couple of days I will be changing some layout features and will  discipline myself to do certain features on a regular basis . My goal will be to write better , be bolder and still have some fun at the same time . I did miss it .

Do You Really Believe It

1 John  1 : 9 . If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 


As we live our lives out in this fallen , sinful world , Christians will sin .We are fuller forgiven , being made new and sealed by the Holy Spirit and holy before God through the blood of Christ but until the day we go to be with the Lord , we will sin . John even before verse 9 tells us that if we say we have no sin , denying that we are sinners , then the truth is not in us . Then in verse 10 he repeats the warning again , saying that if we say haven't sinned makes the Lord a liar and His word does not abide in us . 


So acknowledging we are sinners , that we have sinned is at the very least an indication we are in Christ. But the middle verse that really pulls both of these two warnings together is the act of confession . A believer will be ever conscience of sin and the struggle against it . Confession is good for the soul it has been said and it is true . We shouldn't make a morbid habit but even the pattern of the Lord's prayer , makes clear room for coming before the Lord in confession and asking for His forgiveness. 


We should daily seek forgiveness an as many in the reformed tradition  have said , preach the gospel to ourselves each day . Trusting in the finished work of Jesus to renew , cleanse and restore us daily . Martin Luther said the Christian life was one of daily or on going repentance . A honest reckoning of our sin , the Saviors amazing grace and power to forgive but not just stopping there . But truly believe God , in Christ will forgive our sins and remember our transgressions  no more . 


It is in accepting this astonishing gift of forgiveness , that the power to break the struggle with sin will come . Knowing the love of God , displayed in Christ and applied by the Spirit should truly , humble us and accept the truth of what John said, if we confess our sins , He will forgive them and cleanse from all unrighteousness. 


The question is , do you really believe it ? 

Time For Something New

As of late ,  it seems I have little to no motivation to write on my blog . Perhaps its discipline because if anyone knows me , they will tell you I have no shortage of thoughts and opinions on many things . So to get my butt in gear I 'm going to try something a bit different very soon . I will be trying a video blog once in a while to give a voice and personal touch to this blog . Don't worry for the multitudes who tune in to my musings it will not be a mindless rant or a epic , 3 coffee spot but hopefully it will be at times entertaining , fun ,serious and whatever may come . Stay tuned.

On a serious note , our Church will be looking for a new senior Pastor . Our current Pastor is leaving to take a post at a liberal arts Christian University . He has served this Church for 9 years . I have been grateful to his ministry  and will always be thankful for his role in accepting me back , a wayward pilgrim who needed to come home , with a gracious and warm welcome.  May we who sit in the pew be ever in prayer for the faithful men who lead us . So here is to Pastor Knowles as he moves on towards new things God has called him to . May grace and leading be with him ,  his wife and their children .