Back in the Saddle Again

This blog has laid dusty too long . I realize more now than ever , that when I write it helps my mind unclutter so much . So I really need to get back at it and just commit to doing it . When I look at the past , when I was writing consistently , it helped me process stuff I wanted to say and clear out of my head .

Granted , I realize that virtually nothing I write or say will affect much in the grand scheme of things but I know now , it helps me maintain some form of sanity , if that is possible in this upside down , broken , strange and evil world . Yes, it has much good, but it is messed up big time .

So let's hope I stick to my guns and if you do read or stumble upon these musings of a madman, then I hope something I say be it serious or non-serious, will help you and maybe who knows, you will find it interesting.

Storm Day

Well we are being hit by a big snow storm so no work day . Which I'm fine with . To be honest I see why people who can retire in thier 50s do so  . My body , my mind just doesn't have the energy it once did . That is fine but makes me realize I need to find something my body can do till I can retire from day to day work . Usually on these days I just chill , read some , listen to music and maybe a movie . Might as well enjoy the day . Now back to music time 👍

Scars , Hurts and Healing

Once again its been a eternity since my last post . Often I wonder why people blog everyday . Is it just vanity , hoping people read about your life and inflate ones sense of self . I don't know and I guess that is a judgement only the individual can make .

I thought I wanted to write each day or almost  each day , but again walked away . However this time I want it to be different , so I will begin to discipline myself and hopefully blog once again on a regular basis . Mainly for my own sanity lol .

It is funny how watching a movie can trigger many feelings and thoughts . I watched A Monster Calls today and highly recommended it . I will not review here but the theme of loss and how one deals with those emotions really triggered in me so many thoughts .

The scars and hurt of losing someone never really leave you . Really they just hide beneath a surface so shallow that it takes but a pin prick to bring those emotions to the surface . As of late I have been thinking about my cousin and one like a brother to me that I mentioned on this blog almost 2 years ago now . As it is almost the 2 year mark of his taking his own life , perhaps that is why he has been on my mind .

Its always difficult to move on past any loss but suicide seems more haunting and difficult to handle . One goes through many emotions of anger , guilt that mix together . Anger that one took ones own life and guilt in wondering is or was there something I could have done . But this is a broken , fallen world marred and scarred by sin . Sometimes there are no easy resolutions , no stupid hallmark card pithy sentiments that are true . It still sucks what happened and no matter what , time will not heal or remove the hurt , pain and loss .

Healing will only fully come when Jesus comes again in all his glory to once and for all end sin , death and a new creation comes . It is then that God will wipe away tears , heal all hurts and no more will sorrow or pain of the soul mark ones days . That is the hope and only hope of breaking the cycle of sorrow . Until then , I think God allows us to feel that hurt , that sorrow because He wants us to know things are not right . Yes he does not leave us to grieve as one without hope but that does not mean that despair or a long night of the soul cannot come upon even those who believe . But when we are there and tears come or our heart aches , may we hear he voice of Jesus and go to him for rest for our weary souls .

Lets not sugar coat this world , it is yes full of much delight and many amazing gifts but it is also not what it once was , or what it should be . So may we press on , trusting God in Christ that this world is not our home but a much better a more wonderful home awaits . By that I mean we who have trusted Christ for forgiveness of our sins and live in repentance , will enjoy God forever and then our scars and hurts will be healed perfectly and completely , forever .

Too Long and So Much To Say

When I step away , boy do I step away . Lately there has been so much swirling in my head , I think it's time to begin to unleash my mind a bit . Life has been a journey with many shades of light and darkness. Some of a personal nature , others just watching the chaos of what looks like a world coming unhinged. So with that in mind it's time for this broken sinner , desperately clinging to Gods promises to open the flood gates  for my own personal sanity . So off I will go to places I will not be scared to go because I do not go alone .

Weary but Not Defeated

When I first began writing a blog I truly planned on writing with a regular frequency . But in reality I have lost much interest in. writing and sharing much of anything . I'm I depressed , maybe . I do know that this year has been a tiring , weary and hard road so far . So many stories of pain and hurt it seems I have seen , heard or experienced first hand have really taken a toll to be honest .

Even within my soul the struggle between the man and the new man in Christ has been a war and I confess that within that war , I have lost far too many battles . But I press on . I press on because of my wife . I press on because of my sons . I press on because of my family and friends . Ultimately I press on because of the one who lives in me .

Over the last few months , I have asked many questions within my own head . Some I do not think have any answers but one I thing know . Jesus loves me , Jesus is for me , Jesus died for me , Jesus rose for me and Jesus calls me His own , to the glory of God the Father . That I'm sealed in the Holy Spirit . That the one I follow and love understands my hurt , my sorrow and my pain .

Perhaps I need to write more and bring my thoughts to the fore and express myself again . I enjoy writing and giving my thoughts and views on many things . Maybe I'm in a funk because I have stopped and I need to find that mojo again . So with no vow or promise to write , I will reboot this blog again and with hope in the one who sustains me , though weary , fight I will and enter into the fray that we call life .

Only Fitting

Well the hockey play-offs are about to begin and for the first time in 7 years my Boston Bruins will not be playing for a chance for the cup . Its always disappointing not to cheer on your team during a round of play-offs . Yes its bitter sweet in the sense its great when they win a round and crushing when they don't . However when they don't even get to the dance , you realize how much fun and excitement it truly is to cheer them on .

It in a weird way seems only fitting that they failed to make it considering how this year has been so far . Between a long winter , lack of work , family issues and the loss of one of my dearest friends ( shared in the last post ) I'm just not surprised . Life has a way of letting you down . No manner of positive spin foolishness can make things better . At the same time I'm thankful for much as well .

As to the Bruins . Some changes needed to happen next year . A change in style I believe is at hand . They need more speed up front and better depth on the defence . They still have a solid core of players and a few emerging young players . Along with a legit no.1 net minder and the play-offs will be back on the radar I predict next year . Till then its going to be a long off season . Go Bruins for 2015-16 . Guess its time to catch up with some reading .

Its Always Hard to Say Goodbye

How do you say good bye to someone who has been like a brother , a best friend . One who you played with , joked with , laughed with , cried with and enjoyed being with . I'm not sure  how one can truly ever or should say good bye . I have been trying to come to grips with the loss of my double first cousin , Gregory (Greg) Ivan Schofield . To realize that he will never walk in my house again and share a laugh . Nor will I hear his voice , as we talk of music , our love for the Boston Bruins , life in general  . To sit and chill over a cold beer .

Greg with Sal

We grew up so close . Sharing life from the time I was around 4 . Which makes it 47 years Greg has been within my circle of life . From learning to ride bikes , play sports , going to movies , reading books . We were like 2 peas in a pod for our first 20 plus years and even after girlfriends or wives came along , we still stayed in touch . Our shared life made it so easy to re-connect that even when he moved out west back late 2006 , when he came back home for a way too short a visit , it was like he never left . Plus thanks to social media , we would share life on Facebook . Commenting or talking through the message boards.

So let me tell you a bit about Greg . He  was a decent , funny , smart , caring ,forgiving , loyal , kind man . I could add many more words but just know that he was so much more .  He also had a very trying and at times a hard life . Failed relationships took there toll and left him deeply wounded and broken . He was not treated right on many fronts but he never spoke ill of any of those who dealt him some very dreadful blows . The fractured relationships left him with 4 sons who he truly loved but because of reasons I will not go into , he was marginalized to a large degree in their lives . He still was able to love them in his own way and had many good times with them growing up

This was a man that also left school to care for his younger siblings when his Dad and mother split , sadly because of his Mom's mental illness . It wasn't easy for him on so many fronts during this time . But he gave of himself . So when most young men were thinking more about girls and studies , he became a caregiver to 3 younger siblings. He was a cook , cleaner , moral guide etc.. That is not to say it was all bad . I spent many afternoons and weekends with Greg . Helping him at times do different things around the house but we also biked , played tons of hockey and went to movies . So there were many laughs as well .

 He loved Dogs , as he looks so happy with Sal in the picture above . He was just gentle with them and he could lead them . He bled for the Boston Bruins . No huger fan that I know . He loved music from the classic rock era from Led Zep , Aerosmith , Nazareth to newer bands like Alter Bridge . He liked to rock . He enjoyed movies like Braveheart , Lord of the Rings , The Hobbit etc.. He was much smarter than he ever gave himself credit for .
Sadly since at least 1995 , he has battled depression and at times sank so low that he did try to take his life . Each time , by God's grace and intervention , he was spared . But sadly this time , the despair and brokenness of his soul and mental state took over and overwhelmed him and on March 7th 2015 he ended his life .

My heart breaks because he must have felt a complete sense of hopelessness and being alone . His life over the last year has been a spiral that ran out of control very quickly . He lost his fight to the voices in his head that told him there was no life let to live . That he would be a burden to others , that life was over and the struggle to just get up and face another day was too much . I share these thoughts because I know that is at times how he felt . He said he hated getting there .

As a Christian , I'm really struggling to be honest . Was there something I could have done or said ? However I know as well depression can and does destroy lives and sometimes even the best laid plans to watch out for one with depression  ,  its still a choice made by the one who is at the end of road . That the pain or despair is too deep to face another day or breath .

He had a great sense of humour 

At his funeral I gave the eulogy and as I have had time to reflect on my words , and try to recall so many good , fun , great memories of this wonderful man , I'm left with that. How much I would want to tell him , I miss you . I miss you for who you are . You are a great guy , loved and looked up to by so many , that I want to laugh with you , cheer on our Bruins together again , share life experiences be it going to a movie or concert . I could care less of what you have or didn't have , I loved you for you . My home was always open to you . You never had to knock , you were not a burden even with all your hurts or life scars because I loved you and dammit , I wasn't ready to say good bye . Neither was my wife , whom you became great friends with and my sons whom you treated like nephews. They looked up to you and loved you like an uncle .

Loved your Bruins 

But here we are and I ask , why couldn't someone give you a break , a chance or why did you have to go where you did .  I have to be honest , if I had you here I would kick your ass for doing what you did  but I also forgive you . I had always hoped you would come home to the valley for good . Like you told me , you might have been out west but it was never your home nor did it feel like one . Your are home for good , but not the way it should have been .

So now I have to cling to memories . Camping out as kids in a tent talking until the sun came up , of riding our bikes to the record store buying a few records and hurrying home to air guitar our newest finds . Playing sports together , laughing over our stupid jokes , so much more . So I say goodbye Greg and for now that is all I can say . I will miss you and I loved you .

In Loving Memory - Gregory Ivan Schofield  Sept 24 , 1961 - March 7 , 2015 - Be at Peace I pray